Don't Look Back in Anger (I Didn't Hear You Say)
On why you don't have to let heartbreak be ruled by anger
Let’s start off with the obvious: heartbreak is bloody shit, especially when you feel you have been wronged by someone.
When I experienced my first heartbreak it felt like my world was ending. The person I went to when things weren’t going my way was suddenly the cause of my pain and I was at a loss as to how they could treat me so cruelly.
From the outset loved ones said to me, “you’re a better person than I am”. This isn’t true by any means, but they said this in response to my inability to be completely bitter towards the person who had hurt me.
They kept asking me in the early days if I felt anger, but I could only respond with “I just feel sad”. Then one day the anger did hit me, with the sensation of flaming bile rising in my throat and my mother’s plates thanking their lucky stars they didn’t get flung against a wall with my rage.
I wished karma on him, hoping he experienced some pain so he would be dealt even a fraction of the hurt he had put me through. But the karma I wished on him always had a caveat; he couldn’t be hurt too badly.
Films and books told me I was supposed to be furious. I should want to cut up all his clothes, key his car or egg his house but I felt no desire to do any such thing. Was I doing heartbreak wrong? If I was, wasn’t that just fantastic? Another stick to beat myself with.
I was left confused, as the love I still had for the person battled the overwhelming sense of hurt they had left me with. I couldn’t solely wish badness on them when I still cared for them.
People told me that it would make me feel better to imagine awful things happening to him - him falling off a cliff or suffering some illness that made his genitals fall off. I tried for about five seconds but had to stop because that just upset me more. Despite all the pain they had put me through, the idea of anything bad happening to them made me emotional to the extreme. To this day, if I got word that something awful had happened to them, I would be devastated beyond words.
But how? They hurt me so incredibly deeply, how could I not want something terrible to befall them in return?
It’s because I still had love for them and realised very early on, I always would have a place in my heart for them.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are still moments where I envisage punching them repeatedly in the face. But in the next breath I can imagine us hugging it out. The good the person did for me when things were great still mean a great deal to me and I will always be grateful to them for the joy they brought to my life.
To suddenly be consumed by anger and bitterness, and paint them as a 2D terrible person would discredit all the lovely times we had a together and I don’t want to do that, because that’s what hurt me the most about their actions. Otherwise, I’d be no better than him.
Instead, I recognise that people are 3D and have multiple facets. We all have good and bad in us, and I can acknowledge the brilliance he brought to my life, while also acknowledging that he made a right balls of things at the end.
I hate the actions, I don’t hate the man.
Leaving myself to constantly burn with anger is only going to affect me at the end of the day. He has moved on with his life, and while I don’t know if he has faced any hardship since I knew him, me being furious with him isn’t going to have a direct impact on him.
The only person it will affect to that extent is me, and why would I want to inflict more pain on myself? It’s my physical/mental/emotional health that would go down the swanny and why should I be the one to pay the price and live a half life as a result of his actions.
When you’re heartbroken it is so easy to sit and blame the other person, and don’t get me wrong, there needs to be an element of that. But you also have a choice. Do you allow that person to continue to control your life long after they’ve left it, letting you shrivel up into a bitter creature who slowly pushes all loved ones away?
Or, do you take control of the situation?
Ultimately, you will realise that ruminating in your bitter anger is only hurting you and is having no affect on them. This is where you pull on your grown up pants and say “no”. After all the pain they have caused you, you’re not going to let them continue to dictate your life while they’re off having a blast, long after they’ve left your sphere.
This is your life.
I learned that heartbreak is subjective and mine didn’t have to look like the ones I had seen in the media that were ruled by all consuming anger and a desire for revenge.
Acknowledge the anger, because that’s important. Punch a pillow imagining it’s them if you need to, and rant to your loved ones.
But there comes a time where you have to park it, take back the control of your life and move on. Don’t give them the satisfaction.
Now go blast some Gloria Gaynor “I Will Survive”, because I promise you will.