Disconnected from the Connected
Discussing body image issues and disassociation from one's body.
Connection: a relationship in which a person is linked or associated with something else. There are few things we’re more connected to, both physically and in other people’s perceptions of us, than our bodies. Take a minute to think, how often when we’re trying to describe someone do we describe their physical appearance first? “Oh you know who I’m on about….tall, long brown hair”. Whether it’s right or wrong, our bodily appearance influences how we are perceived. One person who would know all too well about being immediately associated with their body is Khloe Kardashian.
I say Kardashian, you say what? If we’re all being completely honest for the past decade if you asked even the least in the know person the first word that came to their head when they heard that surname, their word of choice would be ‘ass’, for better or worse. Kim’s derriere has been a defining foundation for her public image and her catapult to stardom and immense success. Over the years she has been the focus of cruel jibes over her pregnant body, nit-picking about her cellulite and never-ending discussion about whether her ass is fake. Yet, for the most part her body has been somewhat celebrated and has become a defining influence on the ideal body shape of the 2010s onwards.
The same cannot be said for her younger sister, Khloe. From the early stages of fame for the reality star and entrepreneur, her body was scrutinised but not celebrated. She quickly became known as “the fat sister” compared to Kim’s hourglass figure and her other pint sized sister, Kourtney. Khloe was far from fat, yet the remarks kept coming. In recent years Khloe overhauled her body (she says through exercise, others say surgery must have played a part) but the discussion her image faces continues. There is no denying that Khloe edits her Instagram photos, focusing a lot on her face, often making her beyond recognition. Last year an unfiltered photo of her went viral online and her team were desperate to get it taken down.
Khloe looked gorgeous in the photo and many online said so too. However, it was Khloe’s response to the public discussion that caught my eye. For her, given how “judged, and pulled apart and told how unattractive one is”, it is unsurprising that she craves such control over how her body looks and what she shares of it. It was this sentiment that caught my interest. It made me think about how someone like Khloe, who with all the trappings of fame and who fits the stereotypical standard of beauty, can feel so disconnected from her own body. The repetitive public consumption and discussion of it almost removes any sense of ownership she may feel over it.
How is it that I can relate to Khloe on this topic? I’m far from a worldwide celeb who has thousands of opinions on their bodies thrown at them online by complete strangers. Yet, I can understand feeling like your body is not your own, and is instead something you have meaninglessly been attached too. I am aware of how blessed I am to have a healthy and functioning body but yet my body does not feel like mine. I don’t think that’s how you should feel about your body, and I know it’s not right to feel this way. Why does it feel like something that I need to escape, defeat or endure? As if it is a game I’m playing, an incredibly draining one at that, where I have to get the better of it, this force that in my mind is working against me rather than for me.
Where did this sense of disassociation come from? A bit like Khloe’s case, we live in a culture where it is second nature to discuss, analyse and dissect someone’s body. From a young age I remember seeing magazine covers where every bit of cellulite or body roll was focused in on, especially for women. It’s as if their bodies are commodities open for observation; separate from the people they were attached to. I have little doubt that that warped how I perceived and related to my body growing up. Bodies are not something to have control over, but rather are sources of shame and anxiety working against us.
Does anyone else remember the paper dolls you could buy? They had tiny slits in their shoulders and hips, allowing you to attach different paper clothing to them depending on your preference. Maybe I’m showing my age here knowing what they are, but Google them if you have no idea what I’m talking about. In a sense I wish swapping my body out for another was as easy for me as attaching different clothing is for them. Except I can’t just swap out my body for another, like you can swap the clothing on those paper dolls. We’re intrinsically connected to these bodies, yet there can be such a sense of disconnection.
There are (many) times when I can feel a sense of loathing for my body. I resent my connection to it. It actually does not feel like a connection, it’s more a sense of entrapment really. It’s easy to say that if you’re unhappy with your body that you should just “eat healthier” or “workout more”, but when you have such a volatile relationship with your body, whether you need to tone up or not, all you want is a quick fix. All you want is to be handed a rubber and just erase your body away so you can start afresh and construct your dream body. A body you designed. A body you own. A body you have control of from the get-go. To feel like it’s finally your own creation. Not your food’s body. Not your exercise’s body. Not your genetics’ body. Just yours.
To conclude this piece I wish I could give you a definitive and comprehensive reasoning for why I, or anyone else for that matter, can feel so disconnected from something they are by definition connected to. I’m not at that place yet, so all I can offer you are my ramblings on the irony of being disconnected from the thing I am most physically connected to. However, I am slowly but surely realising that it is not my body that is creating this sense of disassociation but rather it is my mind. The power to create a sense of connection and ownership over my body lies in my own ambition and such a thought is almost scarier than feeling like your body controlled you.
However, body image issues are far from simple issues to fix, especially those held for years. But maybe some day I won’t just be connected to my body physically, but I’ll have reached that stage of peace mentally too. No longer will it be an enemy force chomping at the bit to resist my attempts to feel a sense of ownership. It won’t be this ‘thing’ I’m meaninglessly attached to. It won’t be this entity that I look at and live within with loathing. It will be mine. I will accept it. I will be content. I hope.